Why I Don’t Know What To Do With My Life


Everyone has passions, hobbies, careers, etc…. a slew of a whole broad field of things that make a person decide what they want to do and how to live their lives. I am about to graduate from college with a Bachelor’s in Chemistry and the concentrations of Philosophy, Wine, Pharmaceuticals and Programming quite under my belt (concentrations/strengths). I have worked a year for Johnson and Johnson doing programming and strategic operations. I have been an office administrator and a research assistant in a Nanomaterials Spectroscopy Lab. I love the wine and food industry, and I am a people person that lives for the outdoors and the good life. So in my point of view at the moment…. WHAT THE HELL am I supposed to do with my life. I could have taken my job offer and slowly gotten my master’s and worked, but I had a funny feeling that wasn’t what I should do recently. I could go to Master’s/PhD programs and spend another many years of my life locked up in a lab programming and doing chemistry. I could start my path towards a career in the wine industry building my way up to opening a vineyard some day. There is so much in my brain I feel I could do. I have created this path and worked my ass off endlessly to reach the place I need to get to. But I am lost. So what do you do… People keep telling me that my life is easy but it is not. I would love for people to understand what goes on in my brain, but that can never happen and no one will see these inner conflictions I have on a daily basis with myself. So how do I go about dealing with this? I get it. I shouldn’t be troubled and maybe people think my life is easy, but I guarantee you it is not.

Within all this struggle I do know what I need to do. I need to go to PhD school and finish my research and work towards my life as a computational chemist. I don’t want to go to school for 5-6 more years but my life would be meaningless if I didn’t in my eyes. People have always told me everything comes easy for me, yes, but that also piles a weight on your shoulders that is very heavy to handle. My parents tell me they will support me whatever I do, but I know they would be very disappointed if I didn’t follow through with my original plan.

Everyone always says to do what you love, and I do love being a chemist. I guess there is that inner something inside of me that needs to see the light. Needs to see that even though I’d love to keep an easier path and a less demanding life, that I cannot. And I will get past this. Sometimes it is just hard to see the end of the road when it takes so much work. But I will not give up on what I started. I will stay strong and do whatever it takes because even though I feel broken, and tired and rundown, I will become the person I set out to be.

Everyone should always stay strong and never give up. There will always be no’s and times when you are turned down, sometimes there are reasons for these things. Sometimes you need to learn new life lessons to realize what you need. Never take the easy way out. And never back down.

So I leave with this message of my venting session. Cheers, and never give up. Anyone can do ANYTHING they put their mind to.



I recently have disappeared from the world of the internet with all my friends, shenanigans and everything it is I seem to get myself into. I haven’t posted in forever and I totally didn’t event think about it once. Let me say this, best friend is used in many places in my writing and I have many so don’t get confused if my posts every get a little mixed.

Ludwigshafen Castle: My best friends house where we go for the ultimate shenanigans on weekends that we can takeover the Castle and actually raise hell. Food, swords, hatchets, kegs, bottles on bottles, non stop music, and a lot partying that doesn’t end for days. This was one of the best weekends for a while. My best friends mom is always with us, and she is the coolest. Forces me to even do a shot now and then. All my friends with there and I had took much fun. Here is a picture of the Rochester kids that we’re around in in the picture.

RITatMeliora Ludwig_Castle_Porch

Halloween: Halloween was a drunken shit show. I was a vampire and a snake and I was so drunk as a snake and DJing all night that I didn’t get a single picture taken of me. As a vampire it was so much fun, went out to the bar and got smashed. Woke up with my best friend and we stared at each other, saw the empty glasses of wine, chilled from the window Moët and Vueve champagne bottles and we didn’t get out of bed until we were done where we went to the liquor store and bought two bottles more and demanded the place we went to brunch would open them. Life Tip I learned from my bestie, never say no, just do it. Don’t hesitate to allow people to okay popping bottles of champagne in the restaurant, just pop them anyway. I love him because he helps justify my confidence and helps me realize not to care about what anyone worries about or thinks, just do you and fuck literally anyone who judges. Even though I already follow those rules, sometimes it’s nice to have a partner in crime that can justify living life so carefree and fabulously sometimes. I will mention he is a Masters student, and also WORKS first…. then PLAYS so hard, so fucking hard. One of those people who is extremely secure and provides an energy that exudes positivity. Anyway, after that brunch we went and bought two more bottles of Moët and Veuve and raised a lot of hell at my place. A keg was picked up for a Halloween party and my best friend (and first love actually) came with his AMAZING girlfriend and we went to the party that we had all been counting on the days for. The costumes were amazing. The people were amazing. Green Ivy is what we call the house and all my artsy/hippie/loving friends live there. It’s the environment that you just love and can relax and can literally stop caring. I DJ’d with my best friend Davika and we did amazing. It was too much fun and too good, there was never a time there weren’t people on the dance floor. I partied to hard I cannot even speak about it.


His soundcloud is attacked to my soundcloud as Davika and has a lot of mixes I would def listen too. He’s pretty much the most laid back, sarcastic guy ever and has been a loyal friend to me and I very much so love him for that. BATMAN TO THE BASS.




  • Magnificat Red Wine
  • Veuve Clicquot
  • Moët Chandon
  • Gin Martini (UH-DUH Hendrick’s)
  • Orange Cream Vodka, Organic Fresh Squeezed OJ, Cream Soda, & Lemon Mixed Drink ~ A little festive drink my friend and I made for slow sippinggg

I am addicted to Moët. It runs through my veins like pure gold and I cannot even explain. I know I am a label whore, and a snob but the fact that I can pretty much only drink Moët and Verve, (and occasional Crémant… Tehe) It’s also all the Ludwigshafen fault.


Recent Life Recommendations/Tips/LarixMixTrix

I am posting this to mainly get back into posting because I love telling you all my life, my recommendations, and give advice to people like me who love living life for what it’s worth and for also realizing that HARD WORK is the reason that you should live joyfully.

I have stumbled across that stunning Clinique lipstick that I have been wearing non-stop when I do not have my lipstick on or want a full look. It is Clinique’s Black Honey Almost Lipstick. It is very sheer and almost chapstick like but gives your lips such nice cover and dry revival that it isn’t to obvious and very professional. I am wearing it now with my yoga pants. 😉 A very rare occasion for yoga pants to be on without doing yoga. I DEF recommend, it’s slightly sin like.

Clinique Sheer Lipstick

My newest favorite addiction has come from my boy George that I cannot stop and inexplicably have not ever listened to really. Panic! at the Disco is so fucking good. Everyone who needs some nice dark and elegance alternative rock, please please listen to these songs if you already haven’t. It’s so amazing. There newer album is even Electronic like and I cannot stop listening to Panic! On repeat.

Screen Shot 2014-11-09 at 7.37.28 PM

This is my favorite quote that I have recently come across that can explain my life exactly to me.

“She was fierce, she was strong, she wasn’t simple. She was crazy and sometimes she barely slept. She always had something to say. She had flaws and that was ok. And when she was down, she got right back up. She was a beast in her own way, but one idea described her best.

She was unstoppable and she took anything she wanted with a smile.”
― R.M. Drake

My bestie and some friends came to play this weekend and we chugged Magnificat bottles (~$40) it’s like velvet from the devil. It was beautiful. Love my people.


I have a lot of Boron-Oxide Reactions studying to do, yes, I love it, it’s the best, so I am going to leave with this and start more concise blog topics soon, so as I usually say, Cheers Bitches! Pop them bottles!



That Four Letter Word



We all talk and think about it all the time. I don’t care who you are. Even is you want to be alone you are choosing to love yourself and other parameters to your life.

Personally, I hate it. I’ve been through shit. A lot. Nothing I tell people. Nothing that I use against people or to gain anything for myself. But I have been through shit people couldn’t imagine. Some people think it’s so terrible, but to me, I am an awesome, strong, aware and intelligent human because of it. I wouldn’t erase my past ever, because now I am me.

Anyways I seem to have my eyes on someone and we have been spending a lot of time together. I always tell myself never get close to people and then do, but I have also as of recent years gotten to spend time with some of the BEST guys in the entire. world. And now this guy, he is the best too. So respectable and accepting of what I want, so kind, and also in need of a road map, especially in dealing with someone as intense, intelligent and in depend I am. (III; I like it.)

I have to just keep telling myself to not know everything. But anyway, I say all this as I realize I haven’t posted in a while, and I also kind of just want to. Nevertheless. Cheers, it’s Monday, I have so much work to do after this weekend.

Many blog posts this week to come!



I have always found that I am a very unique person that walks this planet. I have high expectations, am too smart for my own good, experiment with many mind altering things, have a CRAZY and BRILLIANT group of friends, and have a lot of interests that do not mesh at all with the way that I present myself.

My STYLE is a huge part of my life. You will never see me in a pair of sweatpants unless I am coming from the gym. Which leads to the fact that I am obsessed with FITNESS, health and living well. my FITBIT is my one accessory I do not take off (except to change the band colors of course). I love learning. Math, science, physics, programming… I love trying to figure out the way the world works. I see nature in two different ways: the beauty and the mathematical model that can be defined that made that flower. I have a slight dark side to myself also. Vampires, bones, mythology, and the underworld are fascinating to me. I will talk a lot about books, quotes and authors, the creepiness and mystery of life.

I am a stoner. I tell this to most people and they laugh like I am joking. I LOVE smoking and getting high. It helps me to slow down and really take a second to appreciate the little things. I have had many mind altering experiences with various substances and going to festivals and removing myself from the general aspects of humanity is something I also love to do. My FRIENDS are the most important thing to me in my life. They are all beautiful and amazing. Loyal, brilliant, and crazy. LIKE BAT SHIT CRAZY. They understand me in ways I never will myself.

This blog is about my life, how to juggle stress, be successful, have too much fun and do it all with elegance along the way.


 Wine Tour post 16 Bottles of Champagne on the Party Bus